Christmas Past
by Tazmy
Summary: Rodney tries to fix the past. A dark story with a Christmas backdrop. Everyone plays a part.
1. Death into Life

A/N: I hope you enjoy because the is the hardest thing I have ever written. Lots of love and thanks to Sholio, Kodiak Bear Country, MarftheRiver, and Angw for the betas. Gigantic hugs to Kodiak and the rest of my Livejournal friends for all of the encouragement.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis. Wish I did.

**Warning: This may take place on Christmas, but it is a dark story.** There are light moments, too, but yeah, definitely dark. It is not, however, a deathfic as far as our characters are concerned.

Spoilers/References to McKay and Mrs. Miller.

* * *

**Part One: From Death Into Life**

**December 2007**

Miracles. Rodney didn't believe in them, though it would make life better if he did. Maybe if there were miracles, there would still be hope.

He could hear the bells, the chorus, and the joy echoing from outside. There was laughter in the house next door, kids playing in the yard. His hand shook as he swigged down the scotch, letting the flavor roll in his mouth before gulping it in one large swallow. He toasted to the children and parents, the ones out there that were still alive…for now. He toasted to the world that hated him, and the order in the universe that had betrayed him.

It was neither a silent night nor a holy night despite what the manger on the lawn next door acclaimed. It was a time of reverie and pain, and Rodney wished that he had chosen a more remote location to live, where there was no noise, no life, just the emptiness he felt within himself.

"You should be out there fighting." Ronon's tumbler remained untouched. He slouched on the couch, arms wrapped around his chest. "It's been three days since the last culling and you've done nothing."

"Because there is no point. The drones are gone. Our ships are destroyed, and every time we try and fight back they just come at us that much harder."

"Could help with evacuations. Finding a place to—"

"The evacuations are a joke: We're colonizing a new planet only to invite the Ori to finish us off." Rodney's glass clanked against the mahogany table. "No. I'm tired of fighting and listening as everyone dies. You want to play Rambo and pull off the biggest miracle this world has ever seen, then go for it. But I'm staying here."

"Waiting to die."

"Go away, Ronon."

"Sheppard and Teyla wouldn't want this. If nothing else, you owe it to their memories to—"

"Sheppard and Teyla are dead. As are Elizabeth, Radek, Carson, and the list goes on." He was drunk. He knew it from the way the room tilted and his speech slurred. He moved to take another drink, but Ronon's strong hand stopped him.

"It wasn't your fault."

"And that's not my point."

He wrestled his wrist from Ronon's grasp, falling back against the leather upholstery. "There are no miracles, Ronon, and there is no fix."

"So we go down fighting and take as many Wraith with us as we can."

"You have fun with that."

He wobbled to his feet, not quite the opening to a dramatic exit he had been hoping for. The coffee table had moved apparently, because he found himself toppled over, Ronon catching his arm before he could hit his head.

"You're a mess."

"Nothing if not obvious. Let go." Rodney batted himself free, sinking to the floor.

He must have passed out because the next thing he knew he was lying in bed trying to hide from the god awful pounding on his door. "Mer. Don't make me come in there and drag you out."

"Go away," he mumbled. When did Jeannie get here? And what had happened to Ronon?

After the fifth knock, Jeannie pushed open the door, throwing his jacket onto the bed. "Get up, you're coming to Christmas. And don't even try to argue with me."

Chisels in his head kept him from doing just that. Still in the previous night's clothes, he forced himself up with a deep moan. "I hate holidays. You know that."

"You hate life, Mer, and I don't want to hear it. You're not dead yet and you are coming."

Jeannie gave him enough time to shave and push down his thinning hair. Entering the living room, he grabbed a picture off the mantle, his team all holding each other at the Holiday barbeque just two years ago. He had been dragged by the skin of his teeth, but he held tight to the memory just the same. So much had changed…

Jeannie turned on the television as she waited, and Rodney listened as the news reporter spewed forth the daily despair.

"At 4:30 this morning, the Wraith culled Colorado Springs. There were no survivors. World leaders continue to insist that they have a plan to defeat this foe, but as each culling passes, people continue to lose hope. For a world that just two months ago ignored the existence of alien life, it is proving to be a bleak holiday season. Here in Canada, the Prime Minister has emphasized a need to continue with daily life as normal, but panic ensues on a large scale as people turn to raids…."

The picture shattered against the fireplace, shards scratching against the images of Sheppard and Teyla. There were no miracles and he was tired of hoping.

**December 2006**

Rodney failed his first test when he was eighteen. He was in his last year as an undergrad. Physics and Mathematics were all simple subjects to him, but creative writing was his bane. The only reason he had bothered taking the class in the first place was because a hot blond had hinted that she thought it would be good for him. That maybe it would round out some of his rougher edges—whatever that was supposed to mean. Figuring it would take him that much closer to a date with her, he had signed up.

_When he saw the D on his transcript, he wasted no time in storming to the professor's office, opening the door without knocking, and then wrapping his arms across his chest while scowling._

_"Do you have any idea who I am?"_

_Unfazed by the sudden and rude entrance, the professor gazed at Rodney behind round spectacles. He tipped back his leather chair, the slightest hint of a smile between his thin lips. "Rodney McKay, 18, received your first grant at 15 for your research in Thermal Dynamics."_

_"And do you have any idea what a D looks like on my transcript?"_

_"The larger question is whether or not I care."_

_Rodney rocked on his feet, his fists clenched into one another behind his rigid back. Chin aloft, he took a deep breath before speaking. "Why?"_

_"Why what? Why don't I care? Why'd you deserve the grade? Or why does it bother you so much?"_

_"It was a good story."_

_"It was junk. The technical jargon was incoherent to anyone who wasn't a scientist and I've found more emotion in what I had for breakfast than what I found in your characters."_

_"Just because you can't understand—"_

_"Stories should sound like poetry, Rodney, not proofs."_

_"You're just jealous that I'm smarter. This grade is some kind of stupid revenge because you can't even begin to contemplate anything on the level I can." Rodney was fuming as he stared down at the professor, daring him to deny the obvious evidence._

_"Is that what you think?"_

_Rodney nodded. "As a matter of fact, yes, it is."_

_"I see." Placing his pen down on the desk, the professor rose to full height. He straightened his patchwork jacket and cleared his throat. "The story was written by a man who has absolutely no sense of what life is about. It's as if the words were carefully crafted by a machine, and to be honest, I'm not so sure that they weren't. Rodney, there's a whole world out there that you ignore when you lock yourself in your lab day and night. How can you hope to write when you don't even know what it is to live?"_

Years later, and the professor's words still echoed in Rodney's mind. He had thought, at first, that the professor was just another idiot that couldn't see greatness from an inch away, just like his piano teacher.

"One of these days, Rodney," his professor had said, "you're going to learn that there is more to life than perfection. There is richness in this world you will never know until you learn to open yourself up and allow yourself to feel…to live."

It was rubbish, right? Just more of that nonsense that English teachers liked to spew in order to feel better about not being smarter. Just rubbish, right?

While Rodney loathed to admit that professor of oh-so-limited intellect had been correct, his time on Atlantis had opened his eyes to a way of being that he had never truly known before. Maybe Rodney hadn't really lived until he came there.

Maybe that's why Rodney died inside when he lost it all.

Typing furiously at his laptop, Rodney ignored the Christmas music emanating from the citywide com. The lab had long since emptied, everyone taking their jolly spirits with them, leaving Rodney to the peace of his lab. Sheppard would be down soon to drag him to the festivities, whether Rodney wanted him to or not, so the scientist concentrated on moving as fast as he could without being careless. Some things couldn't wait and failure was not an option, despite what his creative writing instructor seemed to believe.

"You work too hard."

Rodney jumped when he heard the unexpected voice. He minimized the program quickly, before Radek could come any closer, all the while glancing upward with a contrived smile. "Yes, well, someone has to make sure the city keeps running." It hurt to look at Radek, almost as if he were looking at a ghost. In many ways, he was.

If Radek was aware of Rodney's unease, he didn't show it. "It will not break down for one night. Go. Enjoy yourself."

"This is enjoying myself. What are you doing here?" Rodney watched with wary eyes as Radek stepped toward his corner of the lab, pulling out an computer identical to Rodney's.

"I am an obsessive man just like you. I have come to check on the device and make sure everything is still working."

"You don't trust that I would have noticed if something were wrong? Please, Radek, give me more credit than that." Setting down his laptop Rodney reached behind his back, clasping his hand against cold metal. There was an echo of screams in his head, of Jeannie shouting as the culling beams swept her away. He wasn't going to allow that to happen…not again.

"You know I trust you, Rodney, I just wish to see with my own eyes how things are progressing. The idea of fully charged ZPMs has all of us excited."

"Radek, take a night off, go to the party. Enjoy yourself."

"This will take but a minute."

Radek was lost in his laptop now, and Rodney knew he wouldn't see the shot coming. Tightening his grip on the handle, Rodney pictured a culled earth and a lost Atlantis…Despite what Ronon had said, it really had been Rodney's fault, and it was his job to fix it. To change things…

Rodney watched Radek type, summoning the files on the device. Fear roiled in Rodney's gut, but he found himself speaking in a steady but firm voice. "Radek, close the computer and go away."

"Rodney?" Looking up from the screen, Radek tilted his head in confusion. "Something is wrong?"

"Go. Now."

"What is happening, Rodney? Tell me."

"Nothing is happening. I don't want you here right now, okay? Just go."

"No. No, something is very wrong." Radek took a step back, his gaze half on the computer and half on Rodney. "Why do you not wish to tell me?"

Rodney didn't have time for this. Though he knew it was only his imagination, he could hear his watch tick away each passing second. Each one another chance for everything to go horribly wrong all over again. History would repeat itself.

"I'm sorry, Radek." He lifted the gun and pulled the trigger with the methodical coldness of a soldier. His arm shaking, he watched as Radek slumped to the floor.

The stun gun didn't carry the crack a pistol did, but it was still loud. Loud enough to draw attention if anyone was in the area. Praying no one had heard, Rodney raced to his laptop, typing in the protocols as fast as was humanly possible. The lockout codes enabled, he moved to Radek.

"Now see, why couldn't you just listen to me for once," he whined as he checked for injuries from the fall. When he felt a small bump covered in a sticky liquid, he radioed the infirmary for a medical team and sat, waiting. In just a few moments, he would lose everything and yet he would gain so much more.

He wondered briefly about this life he had found on Atlantis and how he was throwing it all away. What would his creative writing teacher think if he could witness this? Rodney McKay, brilliant scientist, driven entirely by emotions, was embracing failure to change the past and save the future?

…

"_The past and future intertwine in passing weaves. The time traveler may make his journey of change only in keeping his silence of the future."_

…

When the call came over the city-wide com, John had been half-way through his first eggnog. He raced to the infirmary with his Santa hat jingling all the way. He wondered who had managed to get themselves injured when everyone had the day off, not to mention badly enough to warrant the tech calling him and Elizabeth to the scene.

"What's the problem?" he asked, his eyes falling immediately to Zelenka, who was unconscious on a nearby bed. Beside him, Rodney sat on an adjacent gurney, tapping his fingers on the white sheets. The scientist didn't look up, much less acknowledge that John and Elizabeth had entered.

"Colonel Sheppard, Dr. Weir, I'm sorry to drag you away from the festivities." The new night-shift doctor motioned for John and Elizabeth to follow her into a side office. Passing a curious glance toward Rodney, John followed.

"Dr. McKay called for a medical team approximately 25 minutes ago. We arrived at the lab to find Dr. Zelenka unconscious and suffering from a mild concussion."

"He passed out?" Elizabeth asked, fiddling with the felt antlers in her hand.

"No. Apparently, Dr. McKay stunned him. Approximately 15 minutes before he bothered calling for the med team."

John, unsure that he heard right, had to replay the words in his own mind. Passing a glance at Elizabeth, he crossed his arms against his chest, leaned against the door, and muttered, "I'm sorry, did you just say Rodney shot Radek?"

"Stunned him, yes."

"And just what makes you think he would do something like that?"

Elizabeth held up a hand as if to say she could handle this, but John just shook his head. A doctor who had only been on Atlantis for what, two months, was accusing Rodney of stunning Radek.

"You don't have to take my word for it, Colonel." The doctor's brown eyes burrowed into his own, alight with a defiant fire. "You can ask Rodney yourself."

"You're saying he admitted to this?" Elizabeth tossed the antlers onto a seat. Her face was flushed, supposedly from the holiday eggnog. "Why would…"

"All I know is that when we arrived at the scene and asked what happened, Dr. McKay said he had stunned Dr. Zelenka and then asked if Zelenka was going to be okay. Since then, he's refused to answer most of our questions."

Without waiting for another word, John pushed past the door. He came to a halt before Rodney, whose head was still bowed low.

"I know you don't like the holidays, Rodney, but don't you think this is taking it a little too far?"

No answer. He could see Rodney's hand shaking…trembling. The closer he looked, the more John could see it was actually Rodney's whole body doing so. His face was pale and there were red flakes on his skin and blood smeared on his pants.

"Okay…How about this? You start telling me what's going on and I'll just listen."

Rodney looked up with bloodshot eyes, but there was something in them that hadn't been there before…something hollow or painful perhaps. "Rodney?"

"I shot him."

"Yeah, I think we established that much. I'm a little more interested in the why at this point."

"The why…the how…Did you know that scientific progress is composed by asking those same two pieces over and over again?"

"You're avoiding my questions."

Rodney's fingers continued to tap on the mattress. He moved his gaze back toward his legs, then up to Elizabeth and the doctor that must have been standing there the whole time. "I can't answer," he mumbled.

John turned once more to the women. "Give us some room."

Encouraged by Elizabeth, the doctor returned to her office. Elizabeth continued to stand there, glanced at Rodney, and then, patting each man's shoulder, moved toward the opposite end of the infirmary. John watched her tap her earpiece, probably calling for scientists to scope Rodney's lab for any clues.

"Now can you answer?"

"No." Rodney closed his eyes as if fighting away a headache. He opened them again to peer at John with a determined gaze. "I can't tell you what happened. I can't explain. I just…I had to, okay. I had to make sure that no one interfered before I was finished."

"Interfered? With what?" Tightness knotted itself within John's stomach. Doubt, fear…was this really Rodney? Thoughts of alien possession, mind control, and clones all ran through his mind.

"I can't tell you, but I need you to trust me. Please."

John pushed his unease aside while patting his friend on the back. "I'm going to have Carson come and check you over. After that, we'll talk."

…

Midnight was fast approaching. Carson sipped at his coffee, concentrating on the information beside him. Between the festivities and figuring out what was wrong with Rodney, he was exhausted and the night was just starting. He'd already run Rodney through the MRI, blood work, and vitals checks. Leaving his patient to rest, he'd started sifting through the results, but so far there was nothing to explain the strange behavior.

Carson hadn't noticed the sound at first, maybe because he'd been humming carols beneath his breath. When the moan came again, Carson pushed his work aside and moved out into the main room. Rodney's eyes were clenched shut. Low moans called from beneath his breath. Upon his approach, Carson noticed the sheets were lightly damp.

"Rodney?"

His patient didn't awaken nor did he stop shaking. He whispered beneath his breath, and though Carson could barely make out the words, Jeannie's name was unmistakable.

"Rodney." He tried again.

Bright blue eyes shot open. "No!" Rodney screamed. His breathing harsh, he turned to Carson, but instead of calming down, he flailed his arms further into the air and kicked back against his bed. "Y…Y…You're dead."

"Calm down, Rodney. You were just having one doozy of a nightmare."

"Nightmare?" Rodney's chin tilted slightly. His breathing evened. Gazing at Carson as though he were seeing through a ghost, he muttered, "Yes, um, of course…I…" Though there was still confusion in his gaze.

The sound of someone clearing their throat came from across the room. Carson turned to see Sheppard in nonchalant mode, his way of hiding worry. Behind him, Teyla, Ronon, and Elizabeth watched with their own concerned expressions.

"Excuse me just a moment, Rodney. This'll just take a moment."

"What's wrong with him?" Ronon asked the moment Carson was within earshot.

"Nothing as far as the tests are concerned. A few problems with nightmares and headaches, but nothing to explain his recent actions."

"Miko thinks she found something," John explained. There was a darkness in his gaze that Carson didn't like one bit. It was the same look John received whenever the colonel was about to do something he hated. John shared this look with Elizabeth, a silent argument taking place beneath the surface. Although Carson could see this much, he had no idea what was actually being said.

"I'll let Elizabeth catch you up, Carson, but for now, I'm going to try talking to Rodney again. See if we can't sort this out."

Carson nodded, allowing Sheppard to pass into the infirmary. Brushing by Pegasus's version of mistletoe, he led the rest back to his office, rubbing his weary eyes. Maybe someone would gift him some much needed rest for Christmas.

…

John watched Rodney settle, his head lifted in arrogance. "Come to wish me a Merry Christmas have you? Big surprise, I know, but I'm not actually much into the holiday…"

"Why'd you lock us out of the ZPM charging research?"

"Ah. Figured that out already, did you?"

"Miko did."

Rodney's fingers returned to nervously tapping on his sheets. He gazed up at John a time or two as if about to explain. Then finally, drawing in a deep breath, he whispered, "I can't allow you to use the device."

"Why?"

"I can't tell you."

John used his best 'I'm not buying it' expression, but it fell flat at Rodney's feet. He kept his voice firm, a clear indication that he was in no mood for kidding around. "You've been gung-ho about this project for weeks now. Its completion is the only reason you didn't visit your sister for the holidays, Rodney. Why the sudden change?"

"It's dangerous."

John jumped onto the nearest gurney, surveying his friend closely. "So you decided to sabotage the project instead of explain that to us."

No longer tapping, Rodney's hand nervously clenched the sheets. "I couldn't risk the chance that you might not believe me."

"Why wouldn't we…"

"Because I don't have any evidence. I can't tell you how I know, I just do."

John examined his friend with a penetrating stare, searching for some clue, any clue that would tell him what was happening. "What is going on here, Rodney?"

Silence. It only confirmed that something was very wrong. Rodney McKay was many things, but rarely silent.

Maybe it was time for a different approach. "So what's wrong with the device?"

"I can't tell you."

"Anyone ever tell you that you sound like a broken record."

"Better than a broken record stuck on Christmas carols. Someone should really change the station already…"

Little Drummer Boy had started overhead and John had to agree that perhaps the carols were getting a little…irritating. But there were more important things to concentrate on right now. Straightening his back, John once more examined his bedraggled friend.

"I want to believe you. Really, I do. But look at things from my view. You shot Radek and locked us out of a project. You won't tell us why you did these things other then to say that the project is dangerous without offering any evidence to back you up. I think we deserve more than that."

"You just need to trust me."

"Shooting Radek…"

"Stunning. He was getting in the way. I didn't have a choice."

"In the way of what? Do you have any idea how crazy you sound right now?'

"Yes, Colonel, believe it or not I have a pretty good idea. Now, if you don't have anything else to do but barrage me with questions, I'd prefer to get some sleep…"

It wasn't exactly the way John had wanted to spend Christmas, investigating Rodney's uncharacteristic actions. By all rights he should be on his tenth glass of eggnog now, convincing the hot new girl from the Chem lab to join him for some private celebrations, not wasting his time here. But it _was_ Christmas in Pegasus so he probably shouldn't have expected any different.

Stretching against the bed, John took a deep breath. "Miko discovered something interesting while she was combing your systems. Something it looked like you were trying to convince Atlantis to hide, but hadn't quite managed."

"I was running out of time. It would have taken too long and Radek had hit his head…"

"Damn it, Rodney. Why the hell wouldn't you want us to know the Wraith were hours away from the Pahtghar planet?"

Silence again, which was quickly beginning to creep John out.

"They have a shield and an empty ZPM. If we can charge it before the Wraith get there…"

"No! Listen to me very carefully, Colonel, you cannot, under any circumstances, activate that device."

"Okay, just assuming you were right, at the very least we could have tried evacuating them."

"They won't leave, and you know it. They're convinced the shield is a gift from the gods, and when we so much as inferred that it might not work, they were ready to lynch us. You not knowing, changed nothing."

Reaching out, Sheppard grabbed tight to Rodney's arm. "What's wrong with the device? And don't you dare say you can't tell me, because that's bullshit and you know it." Their eyes locked. John had grown used to Rodney's gaze falling first, but minutes passed and Rodney still did not flinch. John was acutely aware of the way his chest moved in and out, his temper accenting everything. "Rodney, give me something here. Anything!"

"Santa hats don't suit you." Rodney pulled his arm away, and John decided not to fight him.

"Rodney…"

"Colonel."

" We're talking about thousands of lives here. There's still time to fix the device and save them, all we need is for you to unlock the system…"

"No."

"No? What the hell is no supposed to mean?"

"No. No information and no codes. I can't."

John could see the pain in Rodney's eyes, the way he flinched every time he denied an explanation.

"You should know that I talked with Elizabeth before I came here. Neither of us is convinced that you're not under alien influence or whatever else. The fact that you attacked Zelenka doesn't really help alleviate that concern."

"Oh, please, Colonel. Alien possession is rarely the answer."

"Well, you have to admit your behavior is more than a little off. Rodney, we're talking about the death of thousands of villagers. Villagers willing to be our allies. Villagers in possession of Ancient technology they don't know how to use. Living, breathing people that are going to die in less than a day if you don't unlock what you've done!"

McKay bit down on thin lips, then with a subdued voice asked, "Is there a point, Colonel?"

Sheppard tugged his arms behind his back, the words stinging before he could even say them. He knew where Elizabeth was coming from, and maybe would have agreed if it wasn't Rodney…but he did have his orders, and he wasn't sure they were wrong either. At last, he pushed past his dry throat to utter the words. "Thousands of lives and a ZPM power source are at stake. You can either give us an explanation, unlock the research and the charger, or you can spend Christmas morning and beyond in the brig. Your choice."

"Really?" Rodney scoffed. Their eyes locked once more in the heated battle. "And just what is that supposed to accomplish?"

"Well, I think the general idea is to get you to say something other than 'I can't tell you'. Maybe something that can save those villagers' lives or give us a damn good reason why we shouldn't."

"Because trust isn't enough for you, _Colonel_?" Rodney's stare burned cold. Tearing away the attached medical equipment, Rodney jumped to the floor.

"I trust you, Rodney," Sheppard's fists were now tightly clenched, though he didn't remember when they had become so. "But you didn't trust us first. You're the one that shot Radek. You're the one that locked us out of the information, and you're the one that sure as hell isn't acting like himself. What would you expect me to do?"

"Well quarters over the brig would be nice, wouldn't it? Or I don't know, maybe the infirmary or an isolation room. We are supposedly friends."

He could say it was Elizabeth's orders and not his, that he _did_ want to resort only to the quarters or the infirmary, but what would that achieve? He was a soldier and it was his job to protect, and to him that responsibility fell on protecting those thousands of villagers. He unclenched his fists and spoke slowly so as not to lose his temper at the situation in general. "We _are_…friends, Rodney. But that's not what this is about. It's about saving lives and power. Why do I think the cushiness of your quarters isn't going to convince you to talk?"

Rodney glared at his friend but then his gaze fell and his visible anger slipped away. "I knew what I was doing. You have your job and I have mine. If that means spending the rest of the night in the brig, whatever, just…fine. Let's go already."

…

**December 2007 **

Rodney heard Jeannie scream just before the flash of light swept her and Madison away. So when he saw the light consume himself, he was convinced it was a culling beam grabbing him as well. But then he materialized on the Asgard ship with two of the gray aliens staring intently at him.

"Dr. Rodney McKay?" one of the Asgard asked. Rodney once thought all Asgard looked the same, but even before the alien had spoken, Rodney could see this was not Hermiod.

"Um…Yes?"

"We have come to assist."

**December 2006**

As much as it pained him, Rodney did not understand the physics of time travel. He didn't know how the Asgard time machine worked, merely that it sent him to the past. He didn't know how speaking of the future and what he had come to change would hurt things, only that he was promised it would. He knew the Asgard had their reasons for keeping this secret, no doubt out of a desire to keep him from creating his own machine, but that didn't stop it from annoying him. And then there was the immediacy of the Wraith firing on them, keeping back any and all questions. For Rodney it was, 'hello, here's the rules, press the button,' and presto, he was in the past.

What Rodney really wanted to know: What had happened to the previous him? Was he just his old self with the future memories or was there some other McKay wandering around Atlantis? Probably not, given someone would have figured that out by now.

However it all came together, it was a source of great frustration to Rodney. He was a scientist, and as such, the how and why were just as important as the what.

As he walked down the corridors with John in tow, he found himself staring at Atlantis's bulkheads and breathing in her silent pulse. He wasn't sure any of this was real, and was half-convinced everything was the hallucination of tainted scotch, but given the circumstances, he'd take this delusion any day. It was enough to hear Atlantis breathe. To see John and Carson. To feel alive again.

Life. After years of falling into death, Rodney had forgotten what it was to live.

"You know, Rodney," John muttered, "I'm starting to think all of this was just a clever way of avoiding the Christmas Eve party."

"Oh please, I'm not _that_ anti-social."

"Really? Are you sure, because I seem to recall having to get you drunk last year before you would so much as set a foot near the festivities."

There was comfort in listening to John talk. Silently, Rodney clung to that voice—the one that he had longed to hear for a year now, but believed impossible. True, John was taking him to a holding cell, which did put a small damper on the situation, but confinement _was_ better than John being dead. Better than Atlantis falling to the Wraith.

"Oh look, here's our stop," Rodney scoffed with false cheerfulness. "I don't suppose you'd care to open the door for me?"

"Rodney, will you please, just…give us something…" John's face was covered in a military mask, but Rodney could see the hidden pain. He could also see the silent plea within the hazel gaze, asking—begging—for Rodney not to make him do this.

"Just open the door, Colonel. And quit being so hard on yourself. It's not as if you asked me to shoot Radek or anything."

"Would you stop being so stubborn?"

"Stubborn is what I am. Right next to arrogant and condescending. Face it, that's why you love hanging around me."

"Hardly."

The brig door slid open, halting with a thud. Rodney roamed inside with a subdued shiver. "Have you ever wondered why there aren't any toilets in these things? For being an Ancient cell it's surprisingly…impractical."

"Yeah, well, you can always ask the Marine on duty to escort you to the facilities."

Rodney turned only to see John grimacing behind the still unclosed door. He had been expecting a joke in return, not a serious answer. It wasn't like John not to take the bait. Well as long as the guilt was there, Rodney might as well use it in his favor.

"Okay…I don't suppose I could convince you to have a cot sent down here as well?"

John shifted on his feet, and though he said nothing aloud, Rodney knew his thoughts. Probably something about taking away from the whole non-cushy feature of the brig. A moment later, John reached for the door controls with his boyish smile, "I'll see what I can do."

The cell activated with a display of lights accompanied by a quick swoosh. Rodney moved to the sole bench in the room. Dust filled the enclosed area as Rodney brushed the surface with his jacket's sleeve. Taking a seat, he noticed John was still there…staring and grimacing.

"What?"

"Nothing. I'll be back, okay."

"Sure, whatever." When John still hadn't moved, Rodney found himself visibly shooing the colonel away. "Go already. Do I look like an exhibit to you?"

Without so much as a retort, John turned on his heels and, much to Rodney's relief, left. Kicking his feet on the bench, Rodney leaned back and closed his eyes. He was so very tired and had this been a steaming hot desert filled with burning coals, he still would have fallen asleep in minutes. As it was, it only took a few seconds.

…

He was back at Jeannie's house, though he was sure he shouldn't be there a second ago. Madison was hugging him, the bright smile of a four-year-old leaving him little choice but to smile in return.

"Thank you, thank you! The best gift ever!" she exclaimed.

On the sofa, Jeannie and Caleb held each other, joyful gazes set on their daughter.

"See, Mer, you can be sweet."

Rodney saw the Totoro doll clutched tightly in Madison's hand, so much like the one he really had bought her, but…no…this wasn't right. He never did make it to Jeannie's house for Christmas, the Wraith had made sure of that.

"Perhaps you would like to open my gift, Rodney?" Beneath the glittery tree, Teyla sat cross-legged. She held a small box wrapped in gold paper.

Teyla? Teyla had died. True, he'd never actually seen it, but Atlantis had fallen and the Wraith had been there. Surely there was no way that even someone as strong as Teyla could have survived. So why was she here?

He realized then that he was dreaming. He remembered the cold bench in the brig, and John's conflict with placing him in there. He remembered the overly happy music blaring on the speakers, singing of miracles and hope. As if miracles weren't just an unexplained act of science. He then thought of his mission to change the past and save his family.

"Rodney?" Teyla moved toward him, placing the gifts in his hand. "Are you okay?"

"This isn't real."

"I brought you a gift. It is your tradition, is it not?"

Compelled by curiosity, Rodney loosened the silver bow, but he kept his gaze on Teyla. He had missed her so much over the last year. Had missed everyone so much that it had built a giant hole in his heart, one that he knew would never fill again. Not unless he could have them back.

He held the coil, watching as an oblong box with a single blue button rocked back and forth. The time machine.

"It is an ornament. I believe you hang it on the tree."

"Th…thank you. It's very…uh…nice."

"You are welcome. Have you read the inscription?"

"_The past and future intertwine in passing weaves. The time traveler may make his journey of change only in keeping his silence of the future. But he does not make this journey alone."_

Rodney gazed at her and his sister, holding to the moment as though it were the sweetest of chocolates. Their smiles, so very alive, warmed him. And yet…yet it was not real.

Jeannie started a sweet 'Amazing Grace' on the piano, singing with an angelic voice. Teyla stopped the swinging ornament in her hand, as both listened to the music.

"Ascension is different," Teyla whispered, her warm hand coming onto his shoulder. "Time and space mean nothing to energy."

"I've changed the past. You're alive now."

"Yes. But an echo of the future—our past—remains."

Rodney nodded, wishing he could understand more clearly this science that evaded him. Instead he closed his eyes, soaking in his sister's beautiful song. "I…I…" He couldn't find the words, so he stopped trying.

Teyla's hand continued to hold him gently. "I am here with you, Rodney. We all are and we just thought you should know."

He could feel them. John, Elizabeth, Teyla…all of them beside him, though he didn't understand the tableau.

"Find your strength in us," Teyla whispered.

The tree blurred into a single light, and though Rodney willed himself to sleep longer, he felt the image fade away, only the warmth remaining.

"Merry Christmas, Rodney." Teyla—the real Teyla—stood within the cold cell accompanied by Ronon and Sheppard. Each wore a Santa hat. Teyla helped him sit up, while John put a matching hat on Rodney's head despite the glare it earned him.

"What're you guys doing here?" Rodney asked, noticing the neatly made cot adorning the opposite end of the cell.

"We have come to keep you company."

"Yeah, what Teyla said," Ronon muttered.

"No one should be alone on Christmas, not even Scrooge." John grinned, but Rodney could still see the hurt shoved behind his mask.

"Is this some new torture technique to get me to talk?"

"Shut up and eat your chocolate. Ronon had to kick three Marine's butts to get it."

"Wasn't hard," Ronon muttered, shrugging his shoulders.

At the mention of chocolate, Rodney perked up. John passed a tree-shaped candy to him and he tore off the wrapper greedily, forgetting the last time he had managed to eat. Not since the time change at the very least.

"I'm confused. I thought you brought me here so I wouldn't be comfortable?"

"One hour, Rodney. One hour of Christmas and then I'll go back to interrogating you." John averted his eyes as he spoke.

Rodney gazed at his family and despite himself smiled. "What time is it?"

"0530. And look, Santa came." John motioned to Rodney's hat, a goofy smile plastered to his face. It was disturbing.

…

One hour passed quickly. Ronon, a surprising lightweight given his size, had become tipsy before even Rodney, and his attempt at Joy to the World couldn't have stopped soon enough. Though John found himself laughing so hard, he nearly lost his own drink through his nose.

Halfway through, Rodney had started relaxing as well. And as he did, the more John believed this was his friend and not some alien presence. He liked to think he knew the difference anyway, but experience had taught him that appearances were too easily deceiving. Still, he'd talk to Elizabeth. If this was Rodney, it really was wrong to keep him locked here.

He watched Rodney's flushed cheeks intently, then glanced at the other two teammates, cuing them in to the change of theme. "Miko's had all the scientists examining the device—not that you left them much to work with. Thus far they can't find anything wrong with it."

Rodney's posture shifted. His back rigid, he raised his chin. "There's nothing they can find," he slurred.

"Then why is it dangerous?" John felt a pang in his stomach. Was it wrong to get his friend drunk in search of information? No, that's not why he did it. The celebration had been genuine. If Rodney did speak, however…

"Oh, no, Colonel. I'm not that drunk. I couldn't tell you before and I can't tell you now."

"Hours, Rodney. That's how long the villagers have."

"How goes trying to evacuate them?"

John swept the jingling hat from his head, wondering how Lorne's team was progressing on that front. "We're trying to convince them as we speak, but you were right. They've got in their heads that their powerless shield will save them. Apparently saying anything different is to offend their god or something."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. So you want to tell us how to fix this yet?"

Rodney rolled his eyes, and then quickly pressed them shut. He placed his hand to his head. "I can't," he muttered between clenched teeth. "I'm sorry, but you just have to trust me."

Teyla broke in, "You are asking us to stand by and watch as thousands of people die. People we can save."

"Yeah, I suppose I am." Rodney shook his head, placing his empty glass on the bench. "I can't talk about it. Why can't you accept that? Why can't you trust me?"

"How do we know you're you?" It was Ronon who spoke this time, his voice breaking. "Blind trust gets people hurt."

Rodney opened his mouth to speak, but John cut him off. "What Ronon's trying to say is that we do trust you, Rodney, but you have to realize how bad this looks."

"I…I…" Rodney lapsed back into silence, his eyes clenched tight.

"Headache?" Teyla's arm caressed his trembling shoulder.

At Rodney's nod, John maneuvered away, quietly calling for Carson over the headset. That taken care of, he came back to his friends and waited, wishing he could just wake up and find it was all a dream.

**TBC**


	2. Christmas Spirits

**II. Christmas Spirits**

**Christmas 2006**

Elizabeth walked through the subdued city, noting the distinct lack of people wandering the corridors. Many were still recovering from the party, and Elizabeth had approved the day off for all non-essential personnel. Not having slept herself, Elizabeth was really beginning to wish she qualified for the break, but thanks to Rodney's latest antics, it just wasn't going to happen.

"Radek's recovering well. I should be releasing him tonight." Carson walked beside her, his hands clasped behind his back. He too looked weary, and Elizabeth wondered just how many people didn't get to sleep last night.

"Good. And Rodney?"

"He's having some nasty headaches, but I don't know what's causing 'em."

"Think it's related to recent events?"

"I wouldn't rule it out, but there's no way of knowing right now."

They arrived at her office, having to push their way through mistletoe and tinsel to take their seats. "Is there any possibility that this isn't Rodney or he's under some kind of control?"

"DNA tests match, he's not a replicator at the very least, but that doesn't rule out some kind of mind control or something else we have yet to encounter."

"And you, what do you think, Carson?"  
Carson placed his mug on her table, examining her room as though it would provide him with the answers. Finally he drew a deep breath and said, "I don't know, Elizabeth. He's a bit too quiet and subdued for the Rodney I know. Something about him is definitely different. Although his team is hesitant to admit it, they've all noticed a few small differences. Then there's the whole shooting Radek business…But Colonel Sheppard is convinced it's Rodney and he knows him better than any of us."

"So what else could we be looking at?"

"Well, he could be telling the truth and for some unknown reason we can't activate the device or something bad will happen."

"Worse than the death of thousands?"

"Rodney seems to think so."

Elizabeth leaned back, biting down on her pencil. She had studied many political theorists in her time, but none had considered situations as bizarre as Pegasus had to offer. She was indeed a pioneer in the vast galaxy, with little choice but to make it up as she moved along.

"I want to trust him."

"Aye. We all do."

"According to Miko we have only ten hours to sort this out. I think I'll go down and see how Rodney is doing myself. See if I can't get him to see our side of things."

She caught Carson's glance…the mollycoddling one…the one he got right before admonishing her. Bracing herself, she decided not to interrupt and just let him say it. He was going to eventually anyway.

"You should rest, Elizabeth."

"I will." Though they both knew it was a lie, Carson didn't press further.

….

Rodney was face up on his cot when Elizabeth made her appearance. She was sure the bed wasn't part of the brig's normal décor, but she had a good guess how it had come to be there. Come hell or high water, Sheppard's team was firmly rooted in friendship and support. It was part of why she had had to order the Marines on duty to make sure his team didn't just stay with Rodney in the brig, because she knew they would. Even if it undermined the entire reason he was there in the first place. A one-hour Christmas was one thing…a sleepover was entirely different.

"I was wondering when you were going to show up." Rodney turned to his side. Creases of pain aligned his features, but he wore a half-smile nonetheless.

"How are you doing, Rodney?"

"Me? Oh…Fine I suppose. Accommodations could use a little work, but I'm not complaining."

"Not complaining? You? If you're trying to convince me you're not some crazed alien, that's probably not the best way to start."

Rodney shrugged. "It's me. I know, I know, I've toned up over the last few years, but the change shouldn't be so much that you can't tell me from some strange blood-sucking creature or whatever it is you think I am."

Elizabeth laughed despite herself. The Rodney spark, per se, was definitely still there.

"Rodney, I…"

"As I told Sheppard, I can't say. Just because it's you asking the questions doesn't mean the answers going to change."

"What makes you think I was going to ask that?"

"Well you were, weren't you?"

Elizabeth tipped her head in defeat. "Okay, yes, I was. But you have to understand the position I'm in here."

It hurt her to watch him like this, through a set of bars and a hidden force field. But what else could she do?

"We're just worried about you."

"Yes, I gathered that much. Look, I'm glad you stopped by and I appreciate your concern, but really, just…I'd rather just be alone right now if it's all the same to you."

He locked stares with her, fighting her in a silent battle of wills. When neither dropped their eyes, he whispered, "Please, just go."

* * *

Packed snow gave way to thick black boots. Rodney huddled into his jacket, breathing in the frozen air. Embracing the dream, he stepped forward, listening to a nearby jazz band play 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas'.

"I know how hard this is for you." Teyla was wrapped in a white coat and scarf, walking beside him, though he was sure she hadn't been there a second ago.

"Yes, well, I don't exactly have much choice, now do I?"

"No. No you don't."

Laughter sang above the music. Rodney turned to see Madison rolling the snow into a giant ball with the help of his sister. "Come and play, uncle!"

She looked so joyful, but all he could see was flashes of the culling beam sweeping her away. Had she died before he left? Her life sucked from her body by monsters? Or had she been cocooned, left to wait for her own demise. He closed his eyes, willing the tears away.

"We'll both join you," Teyla offered, gently pushing Rodney in the right direction.

He was never much for building snowmen or anything else holidayish. It wasn't that he wanted to be a Scrooge, he just didn't see the point. But the simple presence of his niece, sister, and friend were encouragement enough for him to lean down and start rolling the snow.

"So where's John and Carson and…"

Teyla flinched. Had Rodney not been watching her, he probably wouldn't have seen the subtle movement.

"What? What is it?"

"John and the others are here with us. Carson…It does not matter, Rodney. If you change the past none of it will matter."

Rodney's stomach shifted. Before he could form his next words, Madison tugged on his jacket. "Think this is big enough?"

The snowball was at least as tall as the four-year-old. Forcing a smile, Rodney nodded. "It's…um…good, I suppose." Even in his dreams he just wasn't good with children.

Madison tugged on his jacket again. "Come on, we have to build the middle before the snow melts!"

"Have you seen the flakes falling? The snows not going to just disappear."

He caught his sister's admonishing glare.

"What? Oh fine." He reached down, packing snow in his fist and then handed it to Madison for rolling. "Go…go do your thing."

Teyla's hand pressed onto his shoulder, passing warmth and hope all in her gentle embrace. How could one hand do that?

"You are a strong man, Rodney. Don't forget that."

"Yeah, what she said." John grinned (when had he arrived?), grabbing Madison in his arms. She giggled when he turned her over. "Just don't let it inflate your ego or anything."

Rodney allowed himself to fall onto the snow, pressed down by a sudden burst of emotional pain. Before he knew he was going to say them, words had escaped from his lips. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Well, that's a first. What are you going on about?"

"I killed you. I should have known. I should have… I'm sorry."

Teyla sat down beside him, her hand still on his shoulder. John came, taking a seat opposite.

"You can't honestly believe this was your fault."

"I should have been able to stop it! Or I should have died fighting for Atlantis. I should have…"

"You are too hard on yourself, Rodney."

He didn't try answering because he had no reply. Just because they didn't understand didn't mean that he was wrong. Now the tears really were falling down, a few landing on the white pasture below.

Teyla reached over, drawing him into a hug. "You are fixing things now and that is all that will matter. Be strong, Rodney, draw your strength from us and all will be well."

Shivering, Rodney pushed away from her. "I'm about to murder thousands."

"No, the Wraith are." John crushed snow within his hand. "But you'll be saving billions."

"We have to finish the snowman!" Madison cried, pushing on Rodney's back in a fruitless attempt to get him to move.

When he could no longer ignore her, and since he was secretly glad for her distraction, Rodney came to his feet. Carried by her joy, he found himself smiling. There was so much warmth here, it was hard to remain sad.

The jazz band started a soft hymn similar to the one his sister had played before. Rodney listened, finding joy in its tune, and then walked toward their piles of snow.

They finished the snowman with Rodney lifting Madison into the air so she could affix the carrot nose. "Thank you," she said when he placed her down. He smiled down at her, his heart suddenly light.

"Just remember, Rodney, uh…, you know, we're here with you, and all," John whispered.

The snow blurred together until it was gone. Rodney huddled into his blanket, keeping his eyes closed, trying to hold to the scene for just a moment longer.

* * *

Despite blurry vision, Radek worked on his laptop, recalling what schematics he could. His head pounded and he felt queasy, but most of all he was confused. What had Rodney been thinking? Locking them out of the computers and then shooting him? Was he so arrogant that he thought only he could understand the problem? No…Rodney had always trusted him before. Trusted while berating, yes, but trusted nevertheless. 

The cute blond nurse, the one Rodney had a crush on, came and checked Radek's IV for the third time that morning. "How are you feeling, Dr. Zelenka?"

Scowling, Radek looked up at her. "Terrible. How do you think I should feel right now?"

"I'm sorry to hear that. I'll have Dr. Beckett come and see if he can help. In the meantime, can I get you anything?"

"You may get me large brick with which I can pound Rodney's head into the wall."

"Juice it is," Cindy replied, disappearing behind the curtain.

"May I disturb you?" a small voice squeaked.

Radek turned to the source, waving Miko into the room. "How are things in the lab?"

Miko removed some magazines from the adjacent chair then sat down, her hands rubbing together. "There is nothing wrong with the device. I know that Dr. McKay is a wise and intelligent man, but…I can find nothing."

"No. And there is nothing on this end either."

Miko kept her eyes down, staring intently at her Atlantis uniform. "They are keeping him in the brig," she whispered.

"I have heard this. Perhaps we should pay him a visit." Zelenka was not blind. He knew Miko cared for Rodney, though she would never say it aloud. She was worried, and the truth was that he was worried as well.

"Dr. Beckett has not released you. You should remain in bed until he does so."

"Smart lass. You should listen to her, Radek." Carson entered the curtained enclosure, his hands lost within his white coat.

"It would just be for a moment. You could come with us if it would make you feel better."

"Go where? Sorry, only caught the last bit of the conversation."

"To visit Dr. McKay," Miko cut in, the prospect of being allowed to do so making her face bright.

Carson examined both of them with a scrupulous gaze. At last he nodded. "I suppose it couldn't hurt too badly. I'll have Cindy bring a chair. In the meanwhile, let's see what we can do about your headache."

A blanket draped across his lap, Radek allowed Beckett to push his chair the entire way. The Marine on duty silently opened the door, revealing Rodney sprawled on a cot, his head lying on both of his arms. His eyes were open, staring up at the ceiling. If he noticed them come in, he didn't bother showing it.

"Rodney," Radek said, his voice in stereo with Carson's.

Rodney glanced up at them, kicked his feet off the bed, but said nothing. It was creepy. Silent McKay was just…unsettling.

"I have brought you a crane," Miko stated boldly, a small blue object in her hand. "It…It is supposed to bring you good happiness. Merry Christmas, McKay-sensei"

"Oh, um, thanks. I…uh, Merry Christmas."

Radek stopped himself from laughing at Rodney's clear unease. He could see, however, that his boss was touched by the sentiment, even if he was trying to hide it.

"How are you feeling, Rodney?" Carson stepped toward the bars, watching the prisoner carefully.

"Better. The headaches are subsiding thanks to your voodoo magic. You come here for a reason?"

"Is it so wrong if we just wish to say hi?" Radek asked. His headaches had yet to subside, and it took all his effort not to rub his temple. He wasn't sure why Rodney had shot him, but the last thing either of them needed was to dwell on the fact. Or at least he suspected that was the case.

"No…no, say hi all you want. I'd, um, draw you up some chairs, but as you can see…"

"Forgive me, Dr. McKay, but if only you would tell us what to look for with the device."

"Dr. Kusunagi, I appreciate your visit but we are not talking about this. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Dr. McKay."

Behind her wide glasses, Miko's eyes fell.

Pushing past his pain, Radek glared at Rodney. "You are an impossible man! How can you expect us to help you if you don't even tell us what the trouble is?"

"Because I don't want you to help me, Radek. I don't want you to get through my codes, I don't want you to turn on the device, and I don't want you to know why either. Even if I had a choice in telling you what was happening, I wouldn't because I'm the only one who's going to be responsible for those lives. Me, you got it?"

Rodney stopped, turning his back to them, his head held in his hands. He breathed deep enough that Radek could hear him. Radek knew his friend well enough to know that Rodney was surprised by his own outburst, if not embarrassed.

"You do not make any sense, my friend."

"Get out, Radek. All of you, go away."

"Rodney," Carson interjected, "you can't push us away forever."

"I said _leave._ Don't make me ask the guards to force you."

Miko was close to tears. Carson swung his hands in the air in defeat. Radek's finger ground into the arm of his chair.

"Fine. You wish to remain pigheaded, that is your choice."

He moved to push his own wheels, but Carson grabbed hold of his handles and began to push. Miko left the small crane on a stool, asking the guard to hand it to Rodney. Silently, they left their friend to his own company.

…

John, Teyla, and Ronon had not slept nor were any of them planning on it. Ronon, tired of the Christmas carols, had torn John's speaker off his wall, before John could point out the 'mute' button. Shrugging, Ronon took a seat. "It worked," he muttered.

Rubbing his eyes, John stifled a yawn, only for it to sneak up on him a moment later. Teyla and Ronon followed suit despite their own efforts.

"Five hours left. I should check on Rodney."

"We will come with you." Teyla jumped from her seat as if she had been waiting for her cue for a while.

"No. Wait here and keep looking for…something we can use."

"Very well." Teyla nodded her head in acceptance, but he could see her disappointment. She wasn't any more comfortable with having Rodney in confinement than Sheppard was.

He spent the journey toward the brig trying to find a way to make sure this conversation wasn't just an echo of the previous ones. Five hours wasn't much, and Rodney was more stubborn than the toughest of drill sergeants.

Rodney didn't move when John entered. He had placed his cot just far enough from the bars that he could sit on it backwards with his back facing the front.

John stood there for a few moments, his hands buried in his pockets. He remembered his own times in prison, shortly after that whole Afghanistan incident. He had done what was right, but no one around him understood that. Was this the same?

"Hey."

"Go away."

"Now is that any way to greet a friend?"

"I'm sorry, what part of 'go away' can your limited intellect not understand?"

For the first time in a long while, Rodney actually looked rested. There were still lines of pain on his face, but there were no dark circles or droopy eyes. Apparently, tossing him in the brig was one way to get the great McKay to sleep.

"Time's running out, Rodney. In five hours, the hiveship will descend on our new allies and cull them."

"It's Pegasus, Colonel. Cullings are a way of life, or haven't you noticed?"

John opened the door, motioning for the Marine to close it behind him. Rodney took a step back at the motion, his chin held high.

"What are you doing?"

"Just paying you a visit. Geez, will you calm down already?"

Easing onto the bench, John stared hard at his friend. "We could save them, Rodney."

"The cost is too high."

"What cost?"

"I thought I told you to go away."

John could see his watch, the seconds counting themselves closer and closer to the end. He moved his wrist from view, ignoring the black band and the watch. "If it were anyone else, do you know what we'd be willing to do to get this information? Hell, do you know what Stargate Command is going to do when they find out you're keeping research on how to charge ZPMs locked away? One way or another, you're going to have to talk."

"If I were someone else, you'd what, torture me?"

"The Rodney I know wouldn't willingly sit back and let people die. Not without good reason."

"Then trust I have a good reason."

"I do."

Rodney whisked around, his blue eyes wide. "What did you say?"

"If it's really you, which I'm inclined to think it is, and if you're willing to just sit here and allow this to happen, I have to trust that there is some logic…something that you won't share for whatever reason."

Rodney began tapping his fingers on the bed, a gleam forming in his expression. "So now what?"

"I don't know, but we'll figure this out."

John motioned for the guard to open the door. Turning one last time to Rodney, he said nothing.

…

John passed the commissary on his way to Elizabeth's office, braving the madness to grab an apple. The cooks and some of the other expedition members were busy setting up for the Christmas feast. John had a sinking suspicion he wasn't going to be hungry.

"Rodney underestimated us." Elizabeth pushed her paperwork aside only for John to kick his feet on her desk. She glared at him, but said nothing, instead exchanging exasperated eye rolls with Teyla.

"How so?" Ronon asked.

"Radek and Miko believe they've managed to recoup enough of the data to activate the device. They're running simulations as we speak."

John felt a shiver travel down his spine. "How soon?"

"Three hours."

"Are we going to ignore Rodney's doubts then?" Teyla straightened her back, and John could see his own unhappiness reflected in her eyes.

"I'm not sure, Teyla. That's part of why I called you here. What do you think of the situation?"

John knew it was his turn to talk. Lifting his feet away from the desk, he began, "I say we trust Rodney. I can see the fear in his eyes, Elizabeth, whatever it is that he knows…"

"And there's the problem, isn't it, John? Whatever he knows. Why won't he tell us?"

"Must have his reasons." Ronon still held his Santa hat in his large hands, deliberately flicking the bell so it would ring. John rarely saw the Satedan nervous.

"Thousands of people could die. You're asking me to just allow that to happen."

"The Wraith are the ones killing them, not us. Elizabeth, I think you already know there is only one decision we can make here. I for one am willing to trust Rodney and I know you are, too. So why are we standing here pretending like we haven't made a decision yet?"

"We still have four hours, John. Let's not give up on Rodney or the villagers yet."

A quiet chirp from Elizabeth's headset cut off any reply. John hated one-sided conversations, and watching Elizabeth's eyes widen wasn't helping. "What is it?" he asked only for her to hold up a hand, silencing him.

"Are you sure Radek? Alright, standby."

Clicking off her headset, Elizabeth jumped to her feet. "Rodney apparently sabotaged the long range sensors. We don't have four hours."

"How long?"

"To set up the device and hope for enough time to save the villagers? Just under one hour."

"Sabotage, locking us out of research, shooting Zelenka…Sure doesn't sound like Rodney to me, Colonel."

…

Rodney had spent the last year a prisoner of his mind, so didn't find it surprising that the brig wasn't as claustrophobic as he thought it would be. He didn't mind the lack of work, or people, or freedom. It was just another way of existing and if he had to, he'd spend his whole life in prison to save the others.

"Hi, Rodney."

He turned to see Elizabeth gazing at him with a stern expression. "Did you honestly think we wouldn't find out?"

She motioned to the guard to open the cell door. She walked through, not once losing eye contact. Behind her, Ronon stepped forward, scowling menacingly.

"Answer me, Rodney or whoever you are. Did you really think we were so stupid we wouldn't notice…?"

Backing toward his wall, and instead falling onto his bed, Rodney's eyes grew wide. "I don't know what you're talking about?"

"No? Sabotaging our long-range sensors, despite the risk to Atlantis, ring a bell? What were you thinking?"

"Ah. Uh…" It was harder to remain strong with Ronon glaring at him. No, on the opposite end of Ronon's ferocity was just not a wise place to be. Not that Ronon would hurt him. They were teammates and… "I don't know what you want me to say, Elizabeth. Um, surprise?"

"Rodney!"

"Look, I told you already, the device is dangerous. I was hoping to buy us more time or… If only Radek hadn't walked in, I could have kept you from realizing any of this was happening, you realize that? But oh no…"

Elizabeth straightened her shirt, and began circling the cell. "I want to know what is happening here. Now."

"I can't do that."

"Why not!"

"I…I can't." Rodney could see the imaginary smoke fuming from Elizabeth's head. He'd seen her mad before but…

"Why not?" Ronon came closer, leering.

Rodney was sure he had stopped breathing. Oh this was so not good. And the fact that his head was beginning to hurt again really wasn't helping matters. Realizing his colleagues were still waiting on an answer, Rodney mumbled, "I can't answer that either. You just have to trust me."

"And yet you've given us every reason not to trust you!" Elizabeth made no movement to call Ronon off. Instead, she came to Rodney's other side, fury burning in her eyes. "The Rodney I know would trust us enough to tell us what was happening. The Rodney I know wouldn't just sit here and allow thousands to die without a good reason."

"Then trust that I have a good reason!"

"I don't even trust that you're you!"

"I am."

"So you say," Ronon mumbled.

Elizabeth circled again, before coming to a stop at Ronon's side. "What if I told you that Radek managed to make it through your codes? What if I said that we still had twenty minutes to complete our work and that Radek and Miko were working on it right now?"

It took a moment for her words to process. His eyes wide, he forced the lump down his throat, managing a simple 'no' that was barely a whisper.

"We'll barely make it in time to activate the shield, but Radek is confident…"

"NO!" Rodney was on the verge of hyperventilating. Stars formed before his eyes. He'd come so far…He was so close. "You can't. God, Elizabeth, listen to me. Please, if you've ever trusted me, this is the time I need it the most. Please. Please. Shut it down. There may still be time if you shove it through the Stargate and…"

"You didn't give us a choice, Rodney. You asked us to allow thousands to die!" Elizabeth stepped forward, closing in on him, staring at him with a leader's eyes. All he could see was her death. Everyone dead. Atlantis gone.

"You have to stop it. Please. You're going to kill us all…" Rodney sank down on the bed, his head buried within his hands. He prayed to Teyla and John, Jeannie and Madison, begging that if they were there, that they'd stop this. To fix things where he had failed again. "No…" He turned to the Satedan and clicked his fingers. "Ronon. Ronon, you can stop this. Listen to me, go to Zelenka and tell him"

Elizabeth cut him off. "Tell us what is happening, Rodney. You can still stop this."

The dead flashed through his mind. So many familiar faces. Billions. Billions! "You have no idea what you're doing, Elizabeth. Believe me, if you did, you wouldn't dream of activating—"

Ronon's hand clasped onto his shirt, lifting him into the air. He tried to wiggle free, but Ronon's grasp was strong. "What are you doing? Let go of me."

"Answer her question."

He kicked with his feet, but it only made the position that much more awkward and painful. "What are you, crazy? I'm your teammate, remember? Your buddy; your friend…"

"Answer her."

Elizabeth stepped forward, her tone lighter. "You have to understand there is a lot at stake here. Tell me why we shouldn't activate the device or we will. It's that simple."

Rodney didn't know how time travel worked. He just knew the rules. The Asgard had warned him to say nothing, but what if he defied them? Would the future be lost? Was the future lost anyway?

"I…I…"

"_Be strong, Rodney."_ Ascended Teyla's voice was like the wind, sending a warm embrace all around him. _"You must be strong."_

"Go on," Elizabeth prodded.

Rodney could still feel Teyla and the others around him, supporting him. Though he still didn't understand, he knew what they were telling them. He knew he couldn't speak. He tried to wiggle free from Ronon's grasp. "I said let go. We both know you're not going to hurt me and I'm not about to be intimidated into destroying everything."

He braced himself, not at all sure that Ronon wouldn't hit him. If his teammate didn't recognize him…didn't think he was Rodney…Oh, he could be so screwed.

A moment passed, Ronon's ferocious eyes staring into his. Rodney tried to stare back, but the pounding in his head was intense—mind-numbingly intense. The Asgard had warned that his body would have to adjust to the time change, but this was ridiculous.

He had closed his eyes, clenching them tightly shut, without realizing it. He felt Ronon release him, and Rodney sank down to his bed, his head falling onto open palms.

"You okay?"

"No I am not okay! Do you realize what you are doing?"

Elizabeth pressed her hand to his back, her voice much softer. "What do you mean, destroy everything? It's a ZPM charger, how much damage can it do?"

"Hello, we are in Pegasus, or have you forgotten? Stubbing your toe could probably inadvertently lead to killing a whole civilization just because this whole galaxy hates us." He rubbed at his neck and shoulders, wishing all of the pain would just go away.

"_We are here with you."_ He felt another hand on his back, but knew it was neither Elizabeth's nor Ronon's. He doubted either of them could see it or its source.

"I'm sorry, Rodney. I wish things were different, but as they stand, I have no choice." Elizabeth nodded toward the guard to open the door, and Ronon turned to follow.

This was it. If he didn't stop her now…Rodney found himself lunging forward, reaching for Elizabeth's arm. Desperate to keep the conversation moving. To make her see just how important this was.

Firm hands grabbed him before he could make contact. Ronon twisted him around, holding his arm tight against his back. He'd seen moves like this in movies before, but had no idea how much it actually hurt. But it was nothing compared to the visions of dead friends that never ceased to haunt his mind. It was nothing to the torment of losing family and friends…Atlantis and Earth.

"You have to stop Radek! You can't do this."

Elizabeth turned, nodding at the guard to lower his P-90. "Why are you so afraid?"

"Why won't you listen?"

…

John was never much for waiting. Casually, he glanced through a magazine, but if someone had asked what it was about, he couldn't have told them. His mind was in the holding cell with Rodney, Elizabeth, and Ronon, and with the villagers, facing needless death. He shouldn't just be sitting around, and yet, that was exactly what Elizabeth had told him to do.

"_Right now, I'm leaning toward trusting Rodney. However, I need to talk to him one more time, John. In the end, it's my decision."_

_John grabbed Elizabeth's arm, holding her back. "I told him that I believed him."_

"_Thousands of people, John. They deserve more from us...I just need to talk to him."_

"_With Ronon?"_

_The team crossed their arms, bunching together before her, but her expression said all too clearly, 'I will not budge'._

"_Yes, John…with Ronon. It's just for intimidation."_

"_I won't hurt him," Ronon stated, and John silently cheered him on with a pat on the back._

"_I'm not asking you to. But we do need to know."_

John played the memory through his head more times then he wanted to think about. What was happening down there and what if things went wrong?

On the opposite end of the room, Teyla was praying. Why she still held to her traditions after everything she had learned about the Ancestors, he just couldn't understand, but it was part of what made her her and he respected that. Knowing not to interrupt during her meditations, John continued to stare at the pages without taking anything in.

He heard a child laugh just as he was turning to page twenty. At first, the sound passed by him as nothing new, until he realized he was in Atlantis and not in a village. There shouldn't be children here. He looked up to see the eyes of a child staring into his own. She smiled brightly, her blond ponytails brushing against his chin.

"Hello. Where did you come from?" John reached for his headset, careful not to startle the girl. Only his radio was gone.

He jumped to his feet, hearing something crunch beneath his boots. Looking down he saw layers of white snow, and now that he glanced at the girl, he could see her hair was becoming quickly covered in flakes.

"NO!" He heard a yell—Rodney's yell? A bright light blinded him as he heard the familiar whine of a culling beam. John tackled the kid to get her out of harm's way, but found himself going through her instead. When the light was gone, so was she.

"Rodney?" John bounced to his feet, crouching low. He saw his friend just feet away, wide blue eyes staring where the child had been.

"No…"

"Rodney?"

And then there was a second light, different from the first. An Asgard beam? In the briefest of moments, the beam swept Rodney away.

"Rodney!"

A third voice called to him, emanating from a white glow just meters before him. "I know my brother can be a pain, but you have to trust him."

"Jeannie?"

"Trust him, John. Just as you always have."

A vortex of black appeared in the evening sky, and the flakes began to disappear. "Help him!" Jeannie screamed, before her glow disappeared into the vast expanse.

Swirls of colors enveloped him, drowned him. Smoke rose from buildings and John could feel himself rising in the air overlooking the destruction. Screams bled together, lost in the fiery darkness.

"John!" He felt someone grab hold of him and start to shake, but it took a moment for his eyes to focus and his mind to catch up.

"Teyla?"

"You must have fallen asleep. I believe you were having a nightmare."

He was back on Atlantis, all signs of snow gone. But there was something in his mind now, something that had not been there before—it hadn't come directly from the dream either. Somehow he knew…Rodney was right.

When he went to tap his earpiece, he was relieved to find it was still there. "Elizabeth?"

The gate tech answered for her, stating she was in a meeting right now and couldn't be disturbed.

"Well, disturb her, this is important!"

"John?" Teyla moved with him as he grabbed his jacket and raced from his office. "What is happening? I thought Elizabeth was going to have the device destroyed, deciding to trust Rodney."

"Yeah, well, something tells me the conversation with Rodney didn't go so well."

…

Radek had his orders and he knew what had to be done. Elizabeth had sent him the signal just moments before and now there was no turning back. "Alright, on my order." Across the room, Miko's hand hovered above a button. When he said "now" she did not hesitate.

"Wait!" John's voice echoed down the hall. It was accompanied by a series of sparks and puffs of smoke, the lights in the corridor going dark before flickering back to life.

"Dammit!"

Radek coughed, covering his face from the destruction. Form the distance he could hear Miko do the same.

"If you changed your minds again, I'm afraid it's too late." Radek grabbed hold of Miko, guiding her out of the room and sealing the door. Around them, Atlantis alarms blared an eerie tune.

"I would have expected you of all people to trust Rodney! We better get to control, find out what the hell is going to happen now…"

"Colonel?"

"Radek?" John stared hard, but Radek refused to cringe despite John's anger.

"I believe you might be confused. We did not activate the device."

John's pale face turned red. Straightening himself against the wall he managed to mutter, "Oh."

"Dr. Weir had you destroy the device?" Teyla asked.

"Yes. If the device is half as bad as Rodney seems to think, we couldn't take the risk. I had thought she told you the plan?"

"She had." John kicked away from the wall, storming away from each of them.

"Oh." Radek shrugged his shoulders, sure he had just missed something important.

He gazed at Miko who was trembling softly. Her voice was almost that of a scared child's. "There is still someone there, right? Trying to help evacuate the villagers?"

Radek gulped, not feeling so good himself. "We're doing what we can. It's all we can do."

…

Rodney hadn't moved since Elizabeth and Ronon had departed. He stayed on the edge of his bed, head buried in the safety of his hands. He had stopped what tears that formed from actually falling, but the effort had left him shaking. Carson had shown up, and was currently taking his pulse.

"Are you okay, Rodney?"

"No."

"Headache?"

"No." It still pounded actually, but had subsided to bearable, and he didn't care. He was going to lose them again. Lose billions…

Carson moved Rodney's head to face forward, shinning a light in his eyes. Rodney cried out from the pain despite himself. "Ahhh, ow. Do you mind?"

"That's it, I'm having you sent back to the infirmary." Rodney felt Carson wrap a hand around his arm and then hoist him up. "You, open the door."

"Sir?"   
Rodney's eyes were closed, but he could hear the Marine's apprehension. Not wanting to cause more trouble, he struggled away from Carson's grasp, sitting back against the mattress.

"Are you daft? I have no idea what's causing these headaches, but I can see they're causing you a great deal of pain." He reached down and lifted again. Rodney didn't have the energy to fight back, so he stood up, wondering how long it would take for events to repeat themselves. At least, this time, he would stay on Atlantis and fight, not allowing himself to get prematurely injured.

"I can't do that, Sir."

"Rodney!"

Rodney's eyes shot open, looking around for the bearer of the third voice. Beside the Marine, another soldier appeared. This one with spiked hair. "I know. I don't know how I know, but, I know."

Rodney pushed away from Carson, racing to the bars to stare at his friend. "How? There's—"

"Radek destroyed the device. It's not going to happen. None of it is going to happen."

Relief flooded him. Rodney breathed—really breathed—for the first time since the incident. He felt Carson at his side again, listening to John open the cell door.

"We should get him to the infirmary." Carson lifted up just as John grabbed Rodney's other arm. The pain enveloping his whole body now, Rodney felt himself go limp. He was only vaguely aware of John calling for a stretcher, or Elizabeth's sudden entrance. New arms grabbed hold of him, large and muscular. Ronon perhaps? And then he faded out, no longer aware.

…

He was back at Jeannie's house, but he had yet to find any sign of his sister. He glanced through various doors, called out her name, and even called her cell phone, but all to no avail.

He stared at the Christmas tree and the beautiful ornaments that adorned its branches. The time machine was there among the rest, glistening in the lights.

A small hand tugged on his shirt. Rodney looked down to see Madison biting down on her lower lip. She grabbed hold of his legs without saying a word.

"Where's your mother?" He knew this was a dream again and longed to see her. To understand…

"You'll find," Teyla said from beside him, "that many of the villagers will survive. Not all, but many."

"Oh. How…?

"Dreams can be prophetic. Enough to ensure some evacuations."

Rodney felt relief wash over him. He had no ill will toward those people, but billions over thousands…Scientifically speaking, he had made the sound choice. So why did he feel a different emptiness growing within him?

"Where's Jeannie?"

"She is…She made her choice."

Teyla's eyes carried the same expression she had worn when he asked about Carson. His stomach clenched tight, he found himself patting Madison's head.

"I have come to say goodbye, Rodney."

He glanced up at her, still not much for saying anything. He liked to talk, mostly because it was a large part of who he was, but for some reason, words just weren't coming to him. He opened his mouth, still searching for what to say, when Teyla stopped him.

"We are only echoes. As the timeline continues to fix itself, we will cease to exist. I just thought you might want to know that I'm sorry for everything you had to go through. For the decisions you had to make."

"Yes, well, um, thank you for, uh, being here, you know."

"You are welcome, Rodney." Teyla leaned forward in the traditional Athosian goodbye. Awkwardly, Rodney followed suit.

"Merry Christmas," he whispered.

"Merry Christmas."

…

Rodney woke up in the infirmary, knowing it was still Christmas only from the music emanating from the speakers. When he was finally released, Rodney decided, he was going to throttle whoever had decided Jingle Bells was worthy of playing fifty times in one day.

"How are you feeling?" Carson sat down, and Rodney was horrified to find that the doctor had his own Santa hat.

"Better."

The pain was gone. He wondered if it was the settling of the timeline that had cured him. He wished he could ask Carson.

"How are the villagers?"

Elizabeth cleared her throat, and Rodney now saw that he was surrounded by several of his good friends. "Many agreed to evacuate at the last minute. Something about prophets warning them in a dream. We managed to save hundreds before the Wraith showed up. The culling itself was not as bad as it could have been, but…" She allowed her sentence to drift as they all shared uneasy stares.

"I'm sorry you had to get dragged into this. I…I was supposed to be the only one to carry the guilt…"

"Yeah, well, next time just trust us more, okay?" John wiggled uncomfortable, trying to hide it by leaning further back.

"I couldn't tell you. I know you don't believe me, but I would have lost everything if I'd so much as hinted—"

"I know. It's the strangest thing, but I somehow know everything. And I think it has to do with your sister, but seeing as how she's not Ascended, I really have no idea. I'm still trying to figure out why an Ancient, because I'm sure it was at least that, was willing to risk everything to tell me, seeing as how Elizabeth had already made her decision. Guess they just wanted us to know the truth."

Rodney wasn't sure he was following this conversation anymore, but he could fill in the details later. Instead, he leaned back against the pillow and smiled at his family and friends that were back with him. He thought of Earth and the billions of lives he had just saved. He tried not to think of the villagers, but the thought was like a cancer swarming in his mind. It would take a long time for that pain to subside.

Carson once again gave him a clean bill of health. Only this time the headaches really were gone. Rodney didn't say much through the process. He just concentrated on the family that was around him, allowing it to fill the holes in his heart.

When Ronon appeared with a few trays of food, and Rodney didn't jump at the food right away, John passed him an incredulous stare. "Quiet and not eating? Are you sure you're not some strange bloodsucking monster?"

"Oh ha ha, Colonel." He reached over, tearing into a chicken leg. Before he had finished chewing, he was speaking again. "I'll have you know that I can be quiet at times."

"Since when?"

"I am perfectly capable of—" He spotted the glasses Ronon had brought with the trays. "Hand me a glass. All of you fill up. Come on."

Teyla shook her head at his abruptness, but they all did as he asked. 'Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas' began to play as he raised his glass high. "First of all, I realize that I put you all in a bad position. I'm sorry for that. What we did…well…it wasn't easy and…So I know it might seem inappropriate, but me being who I am, I'd like to propose a toast," he paused, soaking in their startled faces, "To life. To friendship and trust. To hope."

If they hadn't been convinced he was an alien imposter before, they sure thought it now. But he didn't care. He could feel himself coming back to life, learning to live again.

After a moment, John lifted his glass. "I'll drink to that."

**THE END**


End file.
